I’ve
had home loans, exclusion zones
ice cream cones and Toblerones
contracts, peace pacts
nik naks and ice packs
but
I was only waiting for you
I’ve
danced in the street
kicked with both feet
been stood up loads of times
then given up my seat
been ruthlessly betrayed
fought a lost crusade
worked all the overtime
and never been paid
I’ve
played my guitar
round the back of my neck
bobbled more crimplene
than the cast of Star Trek
I've been candid, under-handed
branded and stranded
and dabbled in humanity
insanity and vanity
but
I was only waiting for you
I’ve
been a bit of a face
had a warm embrace
been high profile
than sank without a trace
been well off-hand
had my driving banned
and developed a massive talent
to misunderstand
I’ve
been a flying picket
and told them where to stick it
been caught out loads of times
and clean bowled middle wicket
I’ve flowed and I’ve glowed
had potential to explode
had the route map in front of me
and took the wrong road
I’ve
paid the going rate
been on a blind date
and attempted to mate
in a horrible state
I’ve been beguiled, re-styled
read the works of Oscar Wilde
and after chicken vindaloo
I’ve had the bathroom re-tiled
I’ve
been converter, deserter
perverter, inserter
I’ve done the karaoke
with a kingsize frankfurter
I’ve been blessed, caressed
stressed and possessed
and used a roll of gaffa tape
to wax my own chest
but
I was only waiting for you
I’ve
been locked in bogs
and chased by dogs
danced on tables
in ill-fitting clogs
played screaming solos
sucked on polos
and stained my undercrackers
with some melted Rolos
I’ve
used a portaloo
had a small tattoo
I put Stardrops on my head
‘cos I thought it was shampoo
I’ve done the dodgy manoeuvre
been a bit of a groover
and lost my pet hamster
up the J. Edgar Hoover
I
mumble that I’m humble
give thumbs up to a fumble
and I’d walk a hundred miles
for my mum’s apple crumble
I’ve had a muscle expander
read all the propaganda
and had a game of naughty Scrabble
on me Auntie Kath’s veranda
I’ve
crept and I’ve slept
been inept and then wept
spent hours and hours wondering
where the toilet rolls were kept
I’ve been down on my knees
been out hugging trees
and my knowledge of biology
would shock the birds and bees
but
I was only waiting for you
I’ve
been adored then ignored
interested and bored
showed a gap in my armour
and been put to the sword
I’ve hissed, kissed
missed and been pissed
I disappeared for six months
and wasn’t even missed
I’ve
ran on the pitch
had a terrible itch
kept things to myself
when I wanted to snitch
I’ve done the wine in France
lost a cracking pair of pants
and been cured by a mystic
on the end of a lance
I’ve
been blamed, framed
drained and caned
I’ve faced a chair and a whip
but I’ve never been tamed
I’ve played, obeyed
Christ, I’ve even prayed
and loads of times on Saturday night
I’ve been mislaid
I’ve
been a fierce campaigner
an active complainer
I’ve sent a sample to a doctor
in a molasses container
I’ve been existential
and influential
and when I put my mind to it
inconsequential
I’ve
played Russian roulette
broken out in a sweat
slept on a top bunk
without a safety net
I’ve had a dribble, a nibble
a quibble and a scribble
and I would’ve been a Top Cat
but for Officer Dibble
I’ve
had conviction and friction
eviction and restriction
I’ve said yeah then no then maybe
just for the contradiction
I’ve been shopped, flopped
and violently stopped
then told I was rested
when I’d really been dropped
I’ve gone to ground
been lost and found
put my head in the spin-drier
for the surround sound
I’ve been cool, been a fool
broken every rule
and been roasted in the cloisters
in a private school
I’ve
had Armani suits
three medieval lutes
and I’ve done the five day detox
with that stuff from Boots
I’ve been the soul of descretion
stunk of Calvin Klein Obsession
split the gusset of my kecks
releasing pent-up aggression
but
I was only waiting for you
I’ve
had the odd affliction
and suffered burns from the friction
become Elvis in Vegas
through a chocolate addiction
been a man on a mission
a travelling musician
and flogged my dirty washing
at an art exhibition
I’ve
been clocked, knocked
mocked and shocked
been blamed for the stench
when the sink was blocked
been a coward, been empowered
had it sweet and then it soured
and spent a fortnight up a tree once
with a crusty called Howard
I’ve
been extreme, been supreme
scored at Wembley in a dream
been a guest at a wedding
with the urge to blaspheme
been euphoric, alcoholic
been considered shambolic
and sometimes when it mattered
I’ve dropped the odd bollock
I’ve
been spent in a tent
under the age of consent
I’ve lowered my defences
then give it up for Lent
been erotic, erratic
occasionally ecstatic
and rolled over in the clover
with a Kodak Instamatic
I’ve
been pushed, I’ve been shoved
overlooked by Him above
been savaged by disinterest
when it should’ve been love
I’ve smoked fags, worn rags
lived out of bin bags
stayed out beyond my curfew
in electronic tags
I’ve
been down secret passages
behind hidden doors
been torn and bled inside my head
a rebel without applause
a
dozen times the nearly man
with the whole world at his feet
been there, done that, and got the scars
I just lost the receipt
so
bollocks to waiting for you
